I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and holiday with their families and loved ones. As sad as it is now that Christmas has officially ended, I also feel a bit relieved so that I can patiently wait for spring to come. I hate that it's dark by 4:00 PM and It's been soooo cold that all I want to do is stay inside. I just have to get through 2 more months.... 😅

Today I wanted to share one of my favorite finds at Target. I bought this lace blouse and velvet leggings to wear with it, and the outfit ended up looking super flattering! This blouse is definitely my new favorite in my closet because it's so pretty and it fits me exactly the way I want it to!! Velvet leggings are nice because they look much dressier than the your average regular leggings. There is also a thick and tight waist band so it's great for tummy control - which I need a lot of. For shoes, I wore these nude wedges. I just noticed that my skin is so pale that foot kind of blends into the shoe, haha.



Outfit Details 
Lace Top: Here 
Leggings: Here
Shoes: Similar  
Purse: Similar 

Size Reference
Height: 5'2"
Weight: 200 lbs
Lace Top: Size XXL
Leggings: Size XL

Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and holiday with their families and loved ones. As sad as it is now that Christmas has officially ended, I also feel a bit relieved so that I can patiently wait for spring to come. I hate that it's dark by 4:00 PM and It's been soooo cold that all I want to do is stay inside. I just have to get through 2 more months.... 😅

Today I wanted to share one of my favorite finds at Target. I bought this lace blouse and velvet leggings to wear with it, and the outfit ended up looking super flattering! This blouse is definitely my new favorite in my closet because it's so pretty and it fits me exactly the way I want it to!! Velvet leggings are nice because they look much dressier than the your average regular leggings. There is also a thick and tight waist band so it's great for tummy control - which I need a lot of. For shoes, I wore these nude wedges. I just noticed that my skin is so pale that foot kind of blends into the shoe, haha.



Outfit Details 
Lace Top: Here 
Leggings: Here
Shoes: Similar  
Purse: Similar 

Size Reference
Height: 5'2"
Weight: 200 lbs
Lace Top: Size XXL
Leggings: Size XL

Oh my goodness... only 6 days left until Christmas! I can't believe 2017 is coming to an end so soon, but I say this towards the end of every year. Since I've only found casual outfits for the holidays, I wanted to find something a bit more dressy. I usually avoid skirts because of my huge belly so when I saw this skirt, I felt like there was no way it was going to look good. Welllllll I kind of love it and there is so much belly room, haha. It's super comfy and I'm able to sit without the skirt squeezing my tummy. I wore a pair of Mary Jane heels instead of the usual ankle boots to try something a little different. I wanted to add a little holiday element to it since I didn't have any red or green on me so I added this deer necklace to complete the look. Wahoo! 

I have to admit that when I put on clothes I don't feel cute or confident at all. Even today I stared at myself in the mirror for maybe 45 minutes contemplating whether to go out or not. My stomach looked extra huge from the side and my back rolls were evident in the turtle neck. I had to push those negative thoughts out and just force myself to go outside. Thank goodness for my sister (my photographer) who is always so supportive and understanding of me. I finally decided to "just do it" despite feeling self-conscious.

I think this gets a tiny bit easier each time I shoot for the blog... and this is what motivates me to keep going. I've wanted to blog for soooo long but never did because I was too embarrassed of my weight. I kept telling myself I would blog (and basically anything else in life) after I lost a lot of weight. I am trying to break away from that mentality and I think I've already made some progress. When I was 200 lbs before, I would have NEVER dressed up and posted these kinds of pictures. I absolutely HATED looking in the mirror and I never wanted to be photographed. That's a place I never want to return to!! And this is why instead of making weight-loss a priority, I'm focusing on self-love and self-acceptance... in this 200 pound body. I'm also slowly working on living healthier and hopefully weight-loss will happen as a result butttttt if it doesn't, I want to still be happy 


Size Reference
Height: 5'2"
Weight: 200 lbs
Turtleneck: Size 12
Skirt: Size 14

Outfit Details
Turtleneck: Here
Skirt: Here
Shoes: Here
Necklace: Here




Working on Self-Confidence & Another Holiday Outfit

Oh my goodness... only 6 days left until Christmas! I can't believe 2017 is coming to an end so soon, but I say this towards the end of every year. Since I've only found casual outfits for the holidays, I wanted to find something a bit more dressy. I usually avoid skirts because of my huge belly so when I saw this skirt, I felt like there was no way it was going to look good. Welllllll I kind of love it and there is so much belly room, haha. It's super comfy and I'm able to sit without the skirt squeezing my tummy. I wore a pair of Mary Jane heels instead of the usual ankle boots to try something a little different. I wanted to add a little holiday element to it since I didn't have any red or green on me so I added this deer necklace to complete the look. Wahoo! 

I have to admit that when I put on clothes I don't feel cute or confident at all. Even today I stared at myself in the mirror for maybe 45 minutes contemplating whether to go out or not. My stomach looked extra huge from the side and my back rolls were evident in the turtle neck. I had to push those negative thoughts out and just force myself to go outside. Thank goodness for my sister (my photographer) who is always so supportive and understanding of me. I finally decided to "just do it" despite feeling self-conscious.

I think this gets a tiny bit easier each time I shoot for the blog... and this is what motivates me to keep going. I've wanted to blog for soooo long but never did because I was too embarrassed of my weight. I kept telling myself I would blog (and basically anything else in life) after I lost a lot of weight. I am trying to break away from that mentality and I think I've already made some progress. When I was 200 lbs before, I would have NEVER dressed up and posted these kinds of pictures. I absolutely HATED looking in the mirror and I never wanted to be photographed. That's a place I never want to return to!! And this is why instead of making weight-loss a priority, I'm focusing on self-love and self-acceptance... in this 200 pound body. I'm also slowly working on living healthier and hopefully weight-loss will happen as a result butttttt if it doesn't, I want to still be happy 


Size Reference
Height: 5'2"
Weight: 200 lbs
Turtleneck: Size 12
Skirt: Size 14

Outfit Details
Turtleneck: Here
Skirt: Here
Shoes: Here
Necklace: Here




I basically live in leggings after my weight gain and I like to wear tops that are long and cover my behind. 🙈  I found this pink sweater at Target and I love that it has a hint of sparkle with sequins. I thought the sequins might make the sweater itchy and uncomfortable, but I can't feel them at all. 

These pom-pom sneakers are my new favorite shoes because they're comfortable and give me an extra inch in height.. wahoo! Also, THEY'RE ON SALE!!!! I listed more links below in case it's sold out on certain websites. 

I hope everyone has an awesome day! :)


Size Reference
Height: 5'2"
Weight: 200 lbs
Sweater: Size X
Leggings: Size 1X 

Outfit Details
Sweater: Here
Sneakers: Here or Here  / Similar: Here or Here
Leggings: Here

Photography:


Sweater Weather

I basically live in leggings after my weight gain and I like to wear tops that are long and cover my behind. 🙈  I found this pink sweater at Target and I love that it has a hint of sparkle with sequins. I thought the sequins might make the sweater itchy and uncomfortable, but I can't feel them at all. 

These pom-pom sneakers are my new favorite shoes because they're comfortable and give me an extra inch in height.. wahoo! Also, THEY'RE ON SALE!!!! I listed more links below in case it's sold out on certain websites. 

I hope everyone has an awesome day! :)


Size Reference
Height: 5'2"
Weight: 200 lbs
Sweater: Size X
Leggings: Size 1X 

Outfit Details
Sweater: Here
Sneakers: Here or Here  / Similar: Here or Here
Leggings: Here

Photography:




A few days ago on Insta-story, I asked for some plus-size clothing store recommendations and Target was mentioned! I honestly didn't think Target had any fashionable clothes, probably because I never went to the clothing section. Wow, I was definitely wrong and I'm so happy that there are so many plus-size options!

As you guys know, I lost 59 lbs and recently gained most of it back. You can read about it here. I was feeling ugly and I slipped back into thinking that I needed to be thinner to enjoy fashion. I honestly thought that everything I tried on looked horrible and I felt embarrassed for even trying. But I NEED to snap out of this mentality because I know there are other girls out there who are struggling with their body image, and I would never want them to think the way I do. I want everyone to wear whatever the f they want and feel great! So I'm working really hard on looking in the mirror, at these photos of myself, and being okay with what I see.

Okay, back to Target...

I was on a mission to find something casual and cute to wear to a Christmas dinner. I usually never wear red or orange, but I found this sweater (Here) and fell in love with the sleeves. So then I had to find pants to wear with this sweater and I wanted to find something that wasn't black - because I ALWAYS wear black. My biggest struggle right now are finding pants. My stomach is disproportionately larger than my legs so pants are almost impossible to find. But then I came across these plaid/checkered LEGGINGS (Here)... which I totally thought were pants until I felt how stretchy and soft they were. The material is thicker than your traditional leggings and they're incredibly comfortable - I'm in love.

My next search is going to be finding something dressy to wear for New Years Eve - Wish me luck!


Size Reference

Height: 5'2"
Weight: 200 lbs
Sweater: Size XXL
Leggings: Size L 

Outfit Details

Plaid leggings/pants: Target
Bishop sleeve sweater: Regular  / Plus-size



Photography: Pocket Sized Photographer

Casual Holiday Outfit from Target



A few days ago on Insta-story, I asked for some plus-size clothing store recommendations and Target was mentioned! I honestly didn't think Target had any fashionable clothes, probably because I never went to the clothing section. Wow, I was definitely wrong and I'm so happy that there are so many plus-size options!

As you guys know, I lost 59 lbs and recently gained most of it back. You can read about it here. I was feeling ugly and I slipped back into thinking that I needed to be thinner to enjoy fashion. I honestly thought that everything I tried on looked horrible and I felt embarrassed for even trying. But I NEED to snap out of this mentality because I know there are other girls out there who are struggling with their body image, and I would never want them to think the way I do. I want everyone to wear whatever the f they want and feel great! So I'm working really hard on looking in the mirror, at these photos of myself, and being okay with what I see.

Okay, back to Target...

I was on a mission to find something casual and cute to wear to a Christmas dinner. I usually never wear red or orange, but I found this sweater (Here) and fell in love with the sleeves. So then I had to find pants to wear with this sweater and I wanted to find something that wasn't black - because I ALWAYS wear black. My biggest struggle right now are finding pants. My stomach is disproportionately larger than my legs so pants are almost impossible to find. But then I came across these plaid/checkered LEGGINGS (Here)... which I totally thought were pants until I felt how stretchy and soft they were. The material is thicker than your traditional leggings and they're incredibly comfortable - I'm in love.

My next search is going to be finding something dressy to wear for New Years Eve - Wish me luck!


Size Reference

Height: 5'2"
Weight: 200 lbs
Sweater: Size XXL
Leggings: Size L 

Outfit Details

Plaid leggings/pants: Target
Bishop sleeve sweater: Regular  / Plus-size



Photography: Pocket Sized Photographer
When I lost 50+ lbs, I got rid of all my "fat clothes" because I was sure that I was never going to need them again. Now I wish I had saved them. I'm reminded again of how hard it is to find clothes (that I actually like) in my size. It's not just finding the right size, but it's finding things that are also somewhat flattering to my figure. But it's okay! It is what it is and I'm trying to work with what I have. I'm not sure if anyone else can relate, but whenever I wear a shirt and pants I feel kind of sloppy. I can't pinpoint why... but I feel like I don't really look as put together as I would like. Maybe because my body is so disproportionate that it's hard to find pants that fit me. This blazer is super comfortable and I feel like it completes my outfit and makes me look more polished than having just worn the shirt and pants.

I finally shared my reverse transformation photo on Insta-story and I was SO touched by all the support and messages that I received. THANK YOU!!!!! *hugs* 

 Now I'm onto searching for the next outfit.... stay tuned!!! ^_^ 







Struggle of Finding Clothes After Weight Gain

When I lost 50+ lbs, I got rid of all my "fat clothes" because I was sure that I was never going to need them again. Now I wish I had saved them. I'm reminded again of how hard it is to find clothes (that I actually like) in my size. It's not just finding the right size, but it's finding things that are also somewhat flattering to my figure. But it's okay! It is what it is and I'm trying to work with what I have. I'm not sure if anyone else can relate, but whenever I wear a shirt and pants I feel kind of sloppy. I can't pinpoint why... but I feel like I don't really look as put together as I would like. Maybe because my body is so disproportionate that it's hard to find pants that fit me. This blazer is super comfortable and I feel like it completes my outfit and makes me look more polished than having just worn the shirt and pants.

I finally shared my reverse transformation photo on Insta-story and I was SO touched by all the support and messages that I received. THANK YOU!!!!! *hugs* 

 Now I'm onto searching for the next outfit.... stay tuned!!! ^_^ 








Sigh....

I've been dreading writing this post… mainly because it's so hard to talk about. Talking about it means that I have to outwardly share that I've failed, yet again. I was considering moving right along and not addressing my “hiatus,” but it's important for me to be open and honest.


I guess I should start off by saying to those who looked at me for inspiration: I'm sorry.

I don't know how to explain this, but I go through cycles of just sadness. Some days are better and pass quicker than others. Some days go on for weeks or for months. I usually wallow in it alone and wait for it to "pass," or I disappear. 

When I disconnect, I do it from everyone and everything. I forget about my life goals, my friends, my passions, and my dreams. The things that once inspired me no longer inspire me. I let everything and everyone go without even being fully aware of it until one day I realize that I'm just sad all day every day. I start to notice that I haven’t responded to text messages from months ago. I've also spiraled back into over-eating and numbing my emotions with food. Ugh, I hate myself.

I feel so heavy - both my mind and body. I'm angry for gaining back most of the weight that I worked so hard to lose. But what’s the point of getting upset? It is what it is and what’s done is done. Then I think about starting over and I become super overwhelmed by the thought of doing it all over again. I don't know where to start, how to start, and if I even want to start this weight loss journey again. EVERYTHING about it is absolutely daunting: the calorie counting, the constant weigh-ins, and the paranoia with food. I feel like I’m imprisoned by the endless worries of whether I ate too much or if I exercised enough. It sucks. I hate it. 
I weighed myself multiple times a day, every. single. day. I became obsessed and I let my entire self-worth be determined by that scale. I don't want to do it anymore...... but I also want to lose weight. So where do I go from here? 

All I'm sure of right now is that I need to really take care of myself – mentally, emotionally, and physically. By physically, I don't mean weight loss anymore. I'm shifting my focus to living a healthier lifestyle and acquiring a true self-loving mentality. Self-love and body-positivity are things I used to fake, because "fake it till you make it," right? I'll elaborate more on this later. Honestly I would be lying if I said i didn't want to lose any weight because I know I need to for my health - but instead of making weight loss a priority, I'm going to make my health a priority. Did that make sense? In other words, I'm hoping weight loss will come naturally as a result of living a healthier lifestyle, but I will not be hyper-focused on dieting. 

That's it for now. And again, I'm sorry to those of you who looked at me for inspiration. I feel like I've failed you and that's why I ran away. I was super embarrassed, but I'm ready to work on myself again :)


Thanks for sticking around. I appreciate you so much. 

Love,

Es 
________________________________________

PS: Hyperbole and a Half - Depression Part 2



Heavy


Sigh....

I've been dreading writing this post… mainly because it's so hard to talk about. Talking about it means that I have to outwardly share that I've failed, yet again. I was considering moving right along and not addressing my “hiatus,” but it's important for me to be open and honest.


I guess I should start off by saying to those who looked at me for inspiration: I'm sorry.

I don't know how to explain this, but I go through cycles of just sadness. Some days are better and pass quicker than others. Some days go on for weeks or for months. I usually wallow in it alone and wait for it to "pass," or I disappear. 

When I disconnect, I do it from everyone and everything. I forget about my life goals, my friends, my passions, and my dreams. The things that once inspired me no longer inspire me. I let everything and everyone go without even being fully aware of it until one day I realize that I'm just sad all day every day. I start to notice that I haven’t responded to text messages from months ago. I've also spiraled back into over-eating and numbing my emotions with food. Ugh, I hate myself.

I feel so heavy - both my mind and body. I'm angry for gaining back most of the weight that I worked so hard to lose. But what’s the point of getting upset? It is what it is and what’s done is done. Then I think about starting over and I become super overwhelmed by the thought of doing it all over again. I don't know where to start, how to start, and if I even want to start this weight loss journey again. EVERYTHING about it is absolutely daunting: the calorie counting, the constant weigh-ins, and the paranoia with food. I feel like I’m imprisoned by the endless worries of whether I ate too much or if I exercised enough. It sucks. I hate it. 
I weighed myself multiple times a day, every. single. day. I became obsessed and I let my entire self-worth be determined by that scale. I don't want to do it anymore...... but I also want to lose weight. So where do I go from here? 

All I'm sure of right now is that I need to really take care of myself – mentally, emotionally, and physically. By physically, I don't mean weight loss anymore. I'm shifting my focus to living a healthier lifestyle and acquiring a true self-loving mentality. Self-love and body-positivity are things I used to fake, because "fake it till you make it," right? I'll elaborate more on this later. Honestly I would be lying if I said i didn't want to lose any weight because I know I need to for my health - but instead of making weight loss a priority, I'm going to make my health a priority. Did that make sense? In other words, I'm hoping weight loss will come naturally as a result of living a healthier lifestyle, but I will not be hyper-focused on dieting. 

That's it for now. And again, I'm sorry to those of you who looked at me for inspiration. I feel like I've failed you and that's why I ran away. I was super embarrassed, but I'm ready to work on myself again :)


Thanks for sticking around. I appreciate you so much. 

Love,

Es 
________________________________________

PS: Hyperbole and a Half - Depression Part 2



Hey heyy. How cute is this shirt?? I think it's sold out on ASOS, but a different color came out which is available in ALL SIZES! Link is below so go get one before they're sold out again! YAY #GirlPower

I love ruffles & lace so this was the perfect skirt.. plus its PINK!! Hehe, all my favorite things in one piece. Also, I have to admit that this skirt is super comfortable!! I'm usually uncomfortable in skirts because it's always tight around my belly area, but this had enough stretch to it where it didn't feel like it was pinching me! So if you have the same concerns with your belly, then no worries! 

If you haven't noticed by now, I love quirky bags that are usually in the form of food haha. I always get compliments when I wear this bag out. This was purchased on Modcloth, but they're sold out of it. But fear not, I found a VERY similar one! Also, there are other adorable ice cream bags which I listed below. 


   



Female Forever

Hey heyy. How cute is this shirt?? I think it's sold out on ASOS, but a different color came out which is available in ALL SIZES! Link is below so go get one before they're sold out again! YAY #GirlPower

I love ruffles & lace so this was the perfect skirt.. plus its PINK!! Hehe, all my favorite things in one piece. Also, I have to admit that this skirt is super comfortable!! I'm usually uncomfortable in skirts because it's always tight around my belly area, but this had enough stretch to it where it didn't feel like it was pinching me! So if you have the same concerns with your belly, then no worries! 

If you haven't noticed by now, I love quirky bags that are usually in the form of food haha. I always get compliments when I wear this bag out. This was purchased on Modcloth, but they're sold out of it. But fear not, I found a VERY similar one! Also, there are other adorable ice cream bags which I listed below. 


   



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