Oct 8, 2017

Heavy


Sigh....

I've been dreading writing this post… mainly because it's so hard to talk about. Talking about it means that I have to outwardly share that I've failed, yet again. I was considering moving right along and not addressing my “hiatus,” but it's important for me to be open and honest.


I guess I should start off by saying to those who looked at me for inspiration: I'm sorry.

I don't know how to explain this, but I go through cycles of just sadness. Some days are better and pass quicker than others. Some days go on for weeks or for months. I usually wallow in it alone and wait for it to "pass," or I disappear. 

When I disconnect, I do it from everyone and everything. I forget about my life goals, my friends, my passions, and my dreams. The things that once inspired me no longer inspire me. I let everything and everyone go without even being fully aware of it until one day I realize that I'm just sad all day every day. I start to notice that I haven’t responded to text messages from months ago. I've also spiraled back into over-eating and numbing my emotions with food. Ugh, I hate myself.

I feel so heavy - both my mind and body. I'm angry for gaining back most of the weight that I worked so hard to lose. But what’s the point of getting upset? It is what it is and what’s done is done. Then I think about starting over and I become super overwhelmed by the thought of doing it all over again. I don't know where to start, how to start, and if I even want to start this weight loss journey again. EVERYTHING about it is absolutely daunting: the calorie counting, the constant weigh-ins, and the paranoia with food. I feel like I’m imprisoned by the endless worries of whether I ate too much or if I exercised enough. It sucks. I hate it. 
I weighed myself multiple times a day, every. single. day. I became obsessed and I let my entire self-worth be determined by that scale. I don't want to do it anymore...... but I also want to lose weight. So where do I go from here? 

All I'm sure of right now is that I need to really take care of myself – mentally, emotionally, and physically. By physically, I don't mean weight loss anymore. I'm shifting my focus to living a healthier lifestyle and acquiring a true self-loving mentality. Self-love and body-positivity are things I used to fake, because "fake it till you make it," right? I'll elaborate more on this later. Honestly I would be lying if I said i didn't want to lose any weight because I know I need to for my health - but instead of making weight loss a priority, I'm going to make my health a priority. Did that make sense? In other words, I'm hoping weight loss will come naturally as a result of living a healthier lifestyle, but I will not be hyper-focused on dieting. 

That's it for now. And again, I'm sorry to those of you who looked at me for inspiration. I feel like I've failed you and that's why I ran away. I was super embarrassed, but I'm ready to work on myself again :)


Thanks for sticking around. I appreciate you so much. 

Love,

Es 
________________________________________

PS: Hyperbole and a Half - Depression Part 2



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